Humility and communication, guys.
" Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking
> Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years withus.
> Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured
> much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him
through to a university degree.
> You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could
> expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today.
> I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a
> balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant
greenery.
> Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and
started
> spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets
go fetch mother."
> Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to test on his chest and enjoy the
> feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his
pockets.
> Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick
> me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg
for mercy.
> I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.
>
> Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For
> example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she
could not stand it and would
> comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you
buy flowers for? You also can't eat
> flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood
will also become better." Mother
> continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a
city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to
> it." Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever
came home with flowers, she would ask me
> how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express
displeasure. Sometimes, when I come
> home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how
much they cost, I would tell her
> honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully
pinched my nose and said: "You little
> fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it."
> There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.
>
> Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast.
> In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the
breakfast table, mother facial
> expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I
would pretend not to notice. She would use her
> chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest.
> As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted from
> along day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that
additional few minutes in the comfort
> of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes.
From time to time, mother would help
> out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for
me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags
> accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in our
house being filled with all the trash bags;
> she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the
dishes and so as not to hurt her
> feelings, I would quietly wash them again.
>
> One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and
> "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby
was placed in a difficult position,
> and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended
to be a spoilt child, tried acting
> cute, but he totally ignored me....
> I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and
> said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die
eating from a bowl however
> unclean it is, right?" After that incident, for a long period of time,
> mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward
feeling hanging in the house. During
> that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please.
> In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on
> the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At
the breakfast table, mother
> would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that
reprimanding stare at me for having failed to
> perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation,
I resorted to buying my own
> breakfast on my way to work. That night, while in bed, hubby was a little
upset and asked me: "LD, is it because
> you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat
at home?" He then turned his back on
> me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me.
After some time, hubby sighed: "LD,
> just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice
but to return to the breakfast table.
>
> The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a
sudden churn in my stomach and
> everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress
the urge to throw up but I could not.
> I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited everything
out. Just as I was catching my
> breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect,
hubby was standing at the washroom
> doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes.. I opened my mouth
but no words came out of it, I really
> did not mean it.
>
> We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then
stood up and slowly made her way out
> of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother
down the stairs. For three days,
> hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since
mother arrived; I had been trying
> my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no
reason, I keep having the feeling to
> throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the
events happening at home, I was at
> then low point in my life.
>
> Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and see
a doctor." The doctor confirmed that
> I am pregnant. Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful
morning, a sense of
> sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and
mother who had been through
> this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that
day? At the hospital entrance, I
> saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked
haggard. I had wanted to turn and
> leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and
called out to him. He followed my
> voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he
has that disgusted look in his eyes
> that cut right through my heart. I told myself not to look at him
anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment, I
> have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am
having your baby!" and have him lift
> me up and spin me around in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen
and as I sat in the cab, my tears
> started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test
of one fight?
>
> Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted
> look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket.
That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the
lights and I
> saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I
> stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and
some money and left the house. Maybe he
> really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in
love and money matters. I gave
> a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again. The next day,
I did not go to work. I
> wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his
office and his secretary gave me a weird
> look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the
> hospital."
> I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found
hubby, mother had
already passed away.. Hubby did not look at me, his face was
expressionless. I looked at
> mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my
eyes. My god, how could this
> happen? Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me,
with only the occasional disgusted stare at
> me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other
people. That day, after mother left
> the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending
to go back to her old house back in the
> countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she
tried to cross the street, a
> public bus came and hit her...I finally understood how much hubby must
hate me, if I had not thrown up that
> morning, if we had not quarreled, if....In his heart, I am indirectly the
killer of his mother.
>
> Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong
liquor smell on him.
And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe.
I wanted to explain to him,
tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the
dead look in his
> eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I
had rather he hit me real hard or
> give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening
had been my fault at all.
>
> Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby
> came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were
living together like strangers who
> don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart.
>
> One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window,
> I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly
brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant.
After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood
in front of my
> hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to
say to him, and there is no need to say
> anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to
go, hubby stretched out his hand
> and stopped her. He stared back at me,challenging me. I can only hear my
slow heart beat, beating, one by one
> as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood
that any longer, I will collapse
> together with the baby inside me.
> That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to
> indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other.
> He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home
> from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had
returned to take some of his stuff. I
> no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to
him vanished. I lived alone; I go
> for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time
I see a guy carefully helping his
> wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me
to consider aborting the
> baby, I told them No, I will not.. I insisted on having to this baby,
perhaps it is my way of repaying mother
> for causing her death. One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in
the living room. The whole house was
> filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of
paper. I know what it is all about
> without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I
have gradually learned to find peace
> within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a
while, I will sign." He looked at me,
> mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine.
> As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you
> cannot cry...." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come
out from there. After I hung up my coat,
> hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to
the coffee table and pulled the
> paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name
on it and pushed the paper to
> him. "LD, are you pregnant?" Since mother's accident, this is the first
time he spoke to me. I could not
> control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes,
but its ok, you can leave now." He did
> not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over
me, his tears wet the blanket. In my
> heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I
could never reach them. I cannot remember
> how many times he repeated "sorry" to me. I had originally thought that I
would forgive him, but now I can't.
> In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his
eyes, I will never forget, ever.
> We have drawn such deep scars in each other's heart. For me, it's
unintentional; for him, totally
> intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I
realized now, what had gone past is gone
> forever and could not repeated.
>
> Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth
> to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he
buys for me, I don't take any
> presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed
on that piece of paper, marriage
> and love had vanished from my heart. Sometimes, hubby will try to come
into the bedroom, but when he
> walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to
sleep in mother's room. At night,
> from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This
used to be his trick; last time, whenever
> I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out
what is wrong with him, he would then
> grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am
concerned because there was love,
> but now, what is there between us?
> Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously ignored
him.
> Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products,
> children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it
stacked inside his room till it is full.
> I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer
moved by his actions. He has no choice
but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his
computer keyboard, maybe he is now
> addicted to web surfing but none of that matters to me anymore. It was
sometime towards the end of spring in
> the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden
stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the
> room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this
moment. He carried me and ran down
> the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping
the sweat off my brow, throughout the
> journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and
hurried into the delivery suite.
> Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my
mind: In my lifetime, who else would
> love me as much as he did?
>
> He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes
> caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain. Coming
out of the delivery room, hubby looked
> at our son and me, eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out
and touched his hand.. Hubby looked
> at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out
for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired
> eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him,
but the truth is, I have never felt a
> deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment. Doctor said that by
the time hubby discovered he had liver
> cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he
managed to last this long. I asked the
> doctor when he first discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months
ago and consoled me
> saying: "Prepare for his funeral."
>
> I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room
and checked his
computer, and a suffocating pain hitsme. Hubby's cancer was discovered 5
months ago, his
> groaning was real, and I had thought that... the computer showed over 200
thousand words he wrote for our son:
> "Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you
before I fall, is my biggest wish now....
I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some
setbacks,
if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be.
But daddy now
> no longer has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible
difficulties and problems you may
> encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you
can refer to daddy's suggestion....
> Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have
accompanied you through life journey.
To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered,
she is
the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..." From
play school to primary school, to
> secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of
love, everything big and small was
> written there.
>
> Hubby has also written a letter for me:
> "My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I
> have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I
want to see you be in a joyful mood
> waiting for the arrival of our baby...My dear, if you cried, it means
that you have forgiven me and I
> would smile, thank you for loving me...These presents, I'm afraid I
cannot give them to our son personally,
> could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on
what to give when are all written on
> the packaging... " Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I
brought our son over and place him beside him. I said:
> "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth
of your arms..."
He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in
his arms was happily
waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the
sound of the shutter rang
> through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face.... A fatal
misunderstanding and the person who loves
> me the most in this world is gone forever..."Cruel misunderstandings one
after another disrupted the
> blissful footsteps to our family. Our originals intend of having Mother
enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in
> her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is
finally revealed at a price, every
> thing became too late."........
>
> This is a true story.
> LEARNING POINT - DO NOT EVER HOLD ON TO OFFENCES!!!
> I am totally speechless, this story brought tears to my eyes as I read
> through each line eager to know what would happen next. It truly showed
the devastating power of grudges and
> anger! Simple humility and communication would have resolved most of the
problems in that story, as
> well as patience.... This story has really touched my heart and life as a
whole and it has stimulated a
> paradigm shift. Though it is very sad, it is also very refreshing to know
that from today, I can consciously start
> to live a life free of grudge. People please let's live a life devoid of
grudge. Communication is key."
weeps
